Hogwarts Professors: The Lost Scenes
by PlaidLion
Summary: Huzzah! New chapter! Hooch and Snape find themselves alone in the Three Broomsticks together thinking about the past. And it's not all pretty. Although, oddly blueberry flavored...
1. The Prowls of A Tabby Cat

**Chapter One: The Prowls of A Tabby Cat **

It was nearly midnight. And the castle was quiet, mostly anyway. Inside her office a very preoccupied Minerva McGonagall scribbled away on many pieces of parchment, the work of her fifth year Gryffindor class. Correcting. Making notes on the side. Adding whatever seemed necessary. She'd been at this for hours. What of writer's cramp, you ask? HA! Only the WEAK halt their work for such human situations as having writer's cramp!

She came to one in particular and stopped. Hermione Granger was the name on the top. Without even looking at what the student had written, Minerva just placed it with the other already-graded essays. Back in Granger's third year many professors just skipped grading all of her work, it was _always _perfect. Having a bright Gryffindor was nice, Minerva mused, but Granger was just _obnoxiously _smart.

Severus delighted in impersonating the student in the teacher's lounge, jumping up and down in his seat with his hands waving wildly in the air. This almost always brought uproars of laughter from anyone watching, even Minerva sometimes had to put a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

It seemed all the professors had a take on young Granger's antics. Once, even Minerva herself had joined in, after Rolanda Hooch had spiked her drink with alcohol anyway. The flying instructor enjoyed bringing up this fact at most faculty meetings, and once did a good enough impersonation to get a standing ovation.

Lost in thought, Minerva put down her quill and leaned back her chair slightly. Suddenly the clock on her office wall struck 12:00. Surely, she figured, all of the students were in bed by now. It was near the end of the year, exams were almost upon them.

Standing up slowly the deputy headmistress stretched, she really was starting to get to old for staying up almost all hours of the night. But more work was to be done this night.

Minerva walked to the door of her office and poked her head out. Nothing. She could vaguely hear Peeves breaking something a few corridors away, but nothing else.

She stepped out into the hallway, transfiguring herself into her tabby cat form as she did so. She took off down the hallway and was soon met with the dreaded staircases. Normally, she wouldn't chance going down them as a cat, but she was in a hurry tonight, she was already late.

Minerva bounded down the first few steps without slowing, but then (and you knew it was coming), she hit the disappearing step. Being a cat, she is thus much smaller then a human being, obviously. Where this disappearing step would only make the average person trip, a cat would just fall through the staircase completely. And thus was the situation here.

As Minerva fell through the air, screeching, the other staircases seemed to move out of her way, as if trying to avoid breaking her fall. And as she fell, her life flashed before her eyes. All seventy-something years of it. And yet, the fall was so long, that she ran out of things the flash on, and called for a re-run.

And then, as she saw the floor coming up below her she closed her eyes and began to think what she was sure would be her last thoughts. _Oh! What an unfitting end, to fall through that STUPID staircase! I told Albus to make sure all those disappearing steps were gotten rid of, but would he do anything about it? No, sir! The stubborn old coot _

The seconds went by…. Then they turned into minutes…. Minerva opened her eyes and looked around. She was standing on the floor beneath the staircases unhurt and very much living.

"How the hell am I still alive!" She wondered aloud.

((Author: Because character death in a fanfiction piece always brings flames into the reviews.))

Confused, Minerva looked around for the source of this voice which had seemed to come out of nowhere. Perhaps she had woken up someone. But the staircases were pretty far away from all the dormitories, and none of the ghosts or paintings around here had a voice like that.

"Who are YOU?" she asked what seemed to be thin air.

((Author: rolls eyes Ahh, shuddup! In this fanfiction story, on this computer, I AM GOD! NOW BOW DOWN TO ME, or go on with your business and pretend this never happened. You pick.))

Minerva gave a puzzled look in what seemed to be the general direction of where the voice seemed to be coming from, then scampered off down the nearby corridor. She was REALLY starting to get to old for this.

It was a bit of a hike to her destination. Minerva took advantage of this fact to reflect on her sanity in light of recent events. All too soon through her self evaluation, she came upon her final destination, and her midnight companion. Unlikely, perhaps, but how many cats capable of intelligent conversation can you find in a school such as this?

As she approached, the other cat stood up, "Took you long enough! What kept you?"

"Long story… Very long story…" said Minerva sitting down across from the other, "What's new around the castle, Mrs. Norris?"

Mrs. Norris made a gagging sound. "You know good and well I hate it when people call me that! I only let that crackpot Filch do it because he feeds me!"

Minerva chuckled softly. "You still haven't answered my question."

"Umm, well… Let's see. Last time we met was last week, yes? Hmm… Filch is trying out a new cleaning product on the floors. Some muggle thing. Dr., no, Mr. Clean I suppose it was."

Minerva rolled her eyes, "I meant the INTERESTING stuff!"

"That's the trouble. Nothing interesting ever happens 'round here."

"Go figure. So… How're you and Crookshanks getting along?"

Mrs. Norris laughed loudly, "I've got about as much luck with him as you do with Albus!"

Minerva gave her friend a dirty look, but before she could say anything to her another voice sounded through the corridor.

"Wuz-up with you ladies!"

Annoyed, Minerva turned towards the voice. "Crookshanks, you bastard, get out here!"

The ginger cat walked, no, strutted out from the shadows and sat down opposite the professor. "Do you have to be such a sourpuss all the time, Minnie?"

Minerva rolled her eyes, oh how she despised being called that. What she wouldn't give for one good swipe at that pig with fur, but he was quite a bit bigger then she was in her cat form.

"Yeah, Min, do you have to be such a sourpuss?" Swooned Mrs. Norris, chiming into the conversation for the first time since Crookshanks had appeared.

What she saw in that stupid tomcat, Minerva would never know, and frankly, she didn't care to find out. Excusing herself quickly, she left the other two cats alone in corridor. As she walked away, Minerva wondered what they might do alone without her. She shivered at the thought.

Turning the corner, Minerva transfigured herself back into her human form, straightening her robes, and putting back on her spectacles, she began the walk back to her office.

But alas, my friends, dear Minerva's plight is not over here.

On this night, she decided to cross the wrong corridor, at just the wrong time. What is this world coming to? One moment you're trying to think about anything but the fact that you have just left your friend and the prat she has crush on behind you, and the next moment, you're suspended upside down in the air.

This was Minerva's current situation.

As she swung through the air, arms flailing about, glasses falling off, and hair starting to come out of it's traditional bun, Minerva tried not to yell in surprise (it _was_ quite late, you know).

Then a shadow stepped away from the wall. Minerva tried to focus on it, and recognized it as soon as the room stopped spinning. It was none other then Rolanda Hooch.

"Ohh, Minerva. After all your years in teaching I wish you'd learn to look before you leap!" said Rolanda, visibly struggling to hold in the laughter threatening to cause her to implode.

"Rolanda, you git! GETMEDOWNFROMHERE!" yelled the transfigurations teacher, so angry her last sentence was made one word."

At this, not even a mime could keep from laughing, much less Rolanda. Exploding with laughs, snorts, and giggles, the flying instructor threatened to fall over. Leaning against the corridor wall for support as her laugher reached its peak, she hadn't actually meant for Minerva to get caught in this trap. She'd set it for Severus, whom she knew would probably be crossing through eventually, but catching the usually stern, dignified head of Gryffindor house was so much better.

Very shortly afterward, a few Slytherins popped their heads out of the nearby dormitory to see what the hullabaloo was, as a very surprised Severus Snape came around the opposite corner of the corridor.

A few daring Slytherin sixth years with an obvious death wish walked out and began to laugh almost as loudly as Rolanda at the sight. Then a few first years not quite knowing what they were doing followed suit. Within minutes the whole of Slytherin house had gathered to watch what was unfolding.

Even the usually emotionless face of the potions master was hidden around the corner so no would see his soft laughter.

Minerva crossed her arms over her chest, still hanging upside-down, fuming, and cursing Rolanda with every curse word known to man. The other professors are never going to get her live this one down.

Ohh, the woes of a Hogwarts Professor. Do you think wizards use Aspirin?


	2. Professors Are Green Aliens From Venus!

**Chapter Two: Professors are green aliens from Venus!  
**

"I am NOT fat, Rolanda!" fumed a very irritated Severus Snape, gritting his teeth and tearing a napkin to pieces under the table to keep from wringing the grey haired witch's neck.

"Wanna bet?" Grinned an amused Rolanda Hooch from her spot at the table in the Great Hall, which just happened to be right next to Severus.

It was breakfast time at Hogwarts, and true to form, the fireworks were only beginning, unknown to the students of course. The professors did their best to hide their arguments, jokes, conversations, or what-have-you from the learning wizards and witches. God forbid they find out their teachers are human. Young Colin Creevy had come up with the best theory yet, suppose the professors are actually green aliens with big heads from Venus! Unfortunately, Creevy had this epiphany during just the wrong lesson.

Professor Snape had failed to find the humor in the boy's idea.

Severus merely stared directly ahead. _If only certain curses weren't illegal…_

Rolanda continued to grin at the potions master. "How much _do_ you weight anyway?"

Severus stood up swiftly and towered over the witch, "Damn it, Rolanda! I've had enough of the fat jokes! I AM NOT FAT!"

He threw was remained of his napkin into her face, and then exited the Great Hall, scooping up what little dignity he had left.

Rolanda merely stared after Snape. "Excitable fella, ain't he?" She said, turning to the person sitting on her right, Professor Sprout, while picking the scraps of Severus' napkin out of her short hair.

"You're just going to pester him to death one of these days, Ro'!" said Pomona Sprout, her upper lip twitching into an amused smile as she said it.

"To death? Nah… Perhaps an inch from it… But not all the way! You know I hate funerals."

"Uh huh…" Pomona said, suddenly finding her food much more important then the ongoing Hooch Vs. Snape feud.

Rolling her eyes at her friend, the flying instructor also returned to her food, noting that almost no food had been left behind on the plate to her left.

Severus was already at the dungeons, and his office. After blasting through the door hard enough to nearly knock it from it's hinges, then slamming it shut again with a BANG worthy of Peeves, Severus pounded his fist on the desk.

_What is it with that woman! Why must she constantly keep bothering me about being fat, of all things?_

After all, Severus wasn't fat!... Or… was he? He looked down and poked his stomach. Nah… he must be imagining it. _That witch is messing with your head, Sev!_

He paced the floor in front of his desk. There had to be a way to get her to shut up! There just HAD to be! Frowning deeply, he slumped into his chair and looked around. The room was empty. And why shouldn't it be? He'd be very surprised to find anyone skipping breakfast on a Tuesday. Mondays are horrid. But a Tuesday are like a hangover from a Monday.

Severus opened a drawer near the bottom of his desk, and after sifting through a bunch of old textbooks, layers of spare parchment, and a couple empty boxes of chocolate frogs, Severus came back up victorious. He laid a small black book on his desk, grabbed his quill, turned to a blank page, and started writing.

_Tuesday, November 15, 8:23 A.M_

_Dear diary, _

_Today is going to be a bad day… And not even frying Longbottom's toad that I found last week is going to make me feel better…_

Severus scribbled away on the empty pages for a while, though most of his time was spent on a rather ingenious diagram outlining how to kill Potter and make it look like Quidditch accident.

After loosing track of time, Severus barely had time to hide his diary back in his drawer before classes started. 5th year Gryffindor/ Slytherin class. This would be a loooong day…..

Hours later, Snape was bushed. Two double potions classes in one day? Dumbledore really didn't pay him enough to do this job…

Severus glanced up at the clock. Almost dinner time! With his feet moving faster then he ever figured they could without sprinting, he took off down the corridors heading for the Great Hall.

Taking his usual place at the staff table, he readied himself for the food. Thank God for the food! If there was one thing that would coax Snape from the confines of his dungeons, you could bet it was food.

And oh, the house elves had really outdone themselves tonight! Just as Severus was about to dig into a turkey leg, an all too familiar voice chimed in beside him.

"Are the first years still using your stomach as a trampoline?" Asked Rolanda jokingly without even looking at him.

Severus shot her a dirty look before biting into his food.

Rolanda watched him with interest from the corner of her eye.

When dinner was about half over, and Severus had successfully put away four turkey legs, five goblets worth of his choice drink, and who-knows how much else, Rolanda finally spoke to him again.

She looked at his plate, watched his goblet refill itself again, and the still eating Severus for a moment she turned foreword.

"Damn it, Severus!" she half-said, half-yelled to that all the staff and most of the students could hear. "I swear, that Man is gonna eat the world someday…I can see it now… EXTRA! EXTRA! Fat Man Eats World! Dips Universe In Chocolate Sauce! Garfield At Battle With Severus Snape! Who Is The Fattest? Fat Man Sits On People's Chairs and Crushes Them! Not That We Actually Care! Garfield and Snape Fight With 100 ft. Long Pizzas! Snape Eats Garfield! Fat Man Explodes!"

Silence consumed the Great Hall. Everyone had heard what she said. Suddenly, the silence was shattered by uproarious laughter, headed by the Gryffindor table. Students pounded their fists on the tables, others gripped the tables to keep from falling over. Gryffindor defiantly had a new favorite teacher.

Enraged, Severus leapt to his feet. A million explicit words fought to be the first one to pass his lips as he stared daggers into Rolanda's smiling eyes.

"Now, now, Severus. Please sit down. It was only an innocent joke." Said the Headmaster who sat next to Severus, a warning in his eyes that made it clear this was not a moment to loose one's self in anger.

Fury twisting his expressions, Severus sat down in his seat. His job could be at stake if he lost his head. What made him angrier was the fact that Rolanda knew that, and she was enjoying it endlessly.

After a few minutes, the laughter from the house tables died down, and the evening continued as normal as one could possibly be after such a spectacle.

But alas, my friends, Severus' plight is not over quite yet. Because a certain uninvited dinner guest decided to show up. Who? Peeves.

He came in like a blur, whizzing around the staff and house tables before stopping in midair in the center of the room far above them all. In his translucent hands he held a most peculiar object. Perhaps not peculiar to the muggleborn students, but some others looked at it with some confusion.

Peeves had an electric guitar.

He held it over his head, then looked toward the staff table.

"I would like to dedicate this song to our dear Professor Snape!" he said with a ring in his voice. Then he turned the guitar on high and struck a LOUD and LONG chord.

It felt like an earthquake! Students clung to their tables for dear life, some holding their hands over their ears.

Professor Trelawney screamed and looked toward the celing, "THE SKY IS FALLING!" she screeched before quite nimbly leaping over the staff table and running down the center of the Great Hall, hands waving in the air and glasses perched precariously on the top her head.

When Peeves' "musical" number finally ended, he glided out into the corridors, leaving all of the half-deaf people behind him.

Yet, all through the chaos, even Trelawney's insane-ness, Severus hadn't moved. He had just stared at the poltergeist. Unmoving. Unchanging. Totally unreadable.

As Rolanda took her hands off her ears she glanced at Severus. Snickering, she elbowed Pomona.

"He's too fat to vibrate!"

Severus turned on Hooch with such a look that even she was surprised by it. Meanwhile, Pomona tried to laugh while drinking her pumpkin juice, and failed miserably. She came out sputtering, coughing, and laughing at the same time.

"You know," Said Professor Flitwick, ever the optimist, "That makes quite an interesting sound when you laugh and choke at the same time!"

Rolanda slapped her knee and laughed loudly at the short professor.

After recovering sufficiently she tried to pull off a smarty-pants face coined by Professor McGonagall. "She's not laughing." Rolanda informed the people around her, "She's trying to communicate with Severus' stomach!"

Half of the staff table erupted in a fit of suppressed giggles as Severus turned to Rolanda, his fury renewed. "I'm telling you right now, if you tell one more fat joke I'll…I'll…I'll confiscate your broomstick!"

"Nooo!" Wailed Rolanda, "He'll probably eat it!"

Professor McGonagall snorted loudly from the other side of the Headmaster before she looked down and bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing out loud.

Severus stood up for the second time that night. "THAT'S IT! I can't take this any more!" he yelled, reaching for his wand.

"Ohh really?" Shot Rolanda, "So you think I _want_ to take any more of your crap either!"

Both professor stood, now armed, staring into each other's eyes for about two milliseconds, just as one was about to try to hex the other, another voice entered the 'conversation'.

_ "Expelliarmus!"_

The would-be combatants suddenly found themselves without their wands and with their job very much in danger. Standing between the two was Dumbledore, holding their wands in his hand. The usual twinkle in held in the corner of his eyes had disappeared completely.

"Now, I don't know what has gotten into you two lately, but I trust it will not linger. Professor Snape, when I return your wand to you, you will go back to your office where you will stay until I come in for a meeting. As for you, Madame Hooch, when your wand is in your possession you will… take a little walk with me. This feud you two have been brooding over had carried on for far too long!"

Severus snatched his wand from the headmaster and practically stomped back to the dungeons. His fists were shaking with rage. He had been sent to his office, like a child to his room. He actually let that older-then-dirt coot, boss him around!

This night was to become legendary in Hogwarts, of this he was certain, and he'd be a dead man before he let Rolanda get the better of him again.

For the second time that day, Severus slumped down into his chair, defeated. And again he rummaged through his drawer for that familiar black book.

_Tuesday November 15, 8:57 P.M_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today has been a very bad day indeed. I need a serious vacation. To the Bahamas. Or perhaps Jamaica. Maybe Antarctica…_

Ohh the woes of a Hogwarts professor. Do you think wizards go on carb. diets?

((Author's Note: What do you think? Should I continue? Huh huh? Review if you think I should! I'll probably do Trelawney next!))


	3. Thirteen Is An Evil Number

**Chapter Three: THIRTEEN IS AN EVIL NUMBER!**

Sybil Trelawney was currently recovering from her last class of the day. Third year Gryffindor/ Slytherin class. How she pitied them. None of them had the inner-eye. Of course, even if some of them had harnessed this power, it was still a draining class. One student had an asthma attack from the perfumes in the room, another almost jumped out the window after hearing a not so pleasant prediction, and one poor boy, God rest his soul, did an accidental back flip down the trapdoor-entrance to her classroom.

Sybil poured herself a cup of tea and leaned back in her chair, balancing it on the back two legs. If only she had a television about now. That was the one muggle thing she wished she had in this castle. Dumbledore wouldn't allow any muggle inventions in Hogwarts. No CD players. No TVs. What's left to live for?

Oh well. No life is perfect.

Suddenly a sharp banging noise sounded from the other side of the trapdoor. Taken by surprise, Sybil jumped and her chair fell over, on the way to the floor, she kicked the table in front of her, sending a full cup of tea spinning through the air.

All while this was happening, Minerva McGonagall had opened the door and poked her head through it while standing precariously on the silver ladder.

"Sybil! What are you doing? You DO know you're supposed to be at a meeting in the s-!"

Minerva was cut off by the teacup banging into her head, spilling its contents onto her face.

"MY EYES!" she screamed, "MY EYES!" she let go of the ladder with her hands to try and rub the stinging drink out of her face, and thus was forced off balance. She fell down the ladder and hit the floor with an ominous thump.

"Minerva? Did you fall?" Asked an oblivious Sybil from underneath a landslide of textbooks. She slowly dug herself out and stood up, straightening her shawls, and perching her glasses back on her face.

"Min?" She glided over to the trapdoor and looked down at Minerva. Sprawled wasn't a word usually associated with the deputy headmistress, but that would be the best word to describe her. "Min, what are you doing down there like that?"

Minerva cast her college a look filled with fury. "What do you THINK I'm doing down here, you twit!"

"Well, I'm quite I have no idea what you're doing on the floor in front of my ladder."

"YOUR ladder!" Minerva half yelled while she pulled herself to her feet and looked up at Sybil, "This is not YOUR ladder. This is A ladder! It belongs to NO ONE!"

Sybil looked down to the transfigurations teacher with a confused expression. "But this ladder leads to my classroom, making it my ladder."

Minerva gritted her teeth, "No it doesn't!"

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't!"

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't!"

"Yes it does."

Minerva threw her hands up in exasperation, "NO IT DOESN'T!"

Sybil climbed down the ladder slowly and looked at Minerva. "I'll PROVE that it's mine!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really!"

Sybil walked around to the back of the ladder and pointed to an engraving on the top of the fifth rung. "See!"

Minerva adjusted her glasses and read it,

"THIS LADDER IS PROPERTY OF SYBIL TRELAWNEY. If you disagreed to this fact, Ms. Trelawney reserves the right to say, "I told you so!"

Sybil looked at Minerva with a smug expression. "Told you so!"

Minerva rolled her eyes. "Like it actually makes a difference. Now come on, you've gone and made us late for the meeting!"

As Minerva started off down the corridor, Sybil made a face. She detested staff meetings. It's ok for the other professors, but she was a seer! There wasn't anything happening she didn't _already_ know about!

Regardless, she followed Minerva down the hallways to the staffroom. The staff room required password entry because of student pranks. At least that's what the staff told the kids. It was _really_ so a small group of professors could go in, change the password, and have a private meeting without interruption. But no one is supposed to know that.

The two professors entered the room slowly. Sybil couldn't help but feel some baaad juju in here. In the center of the room was a round table, around which sat Severus Snape, Rolanda Hooch, and Pomona Sprout. Sybil noted two empty chairs across the table from one another.

"Minerva, Sybil, so glad you could join us." Severus said with a slight sneer. Sybil took a seat between Pomona and Severus, and Minerva sat down next to Rolanda with an empty chair to her other side.

"Isn't Albus supposed to be at the meeting?" Asked Sybil.

"Uhh… No. He couldn't make it. Very busy man you know." Answered Rolanda, averting her eyes from seer to keep from laughing. Severus kicked her under the table, shooting her a warning glance. Rolanda glared at him for a second, mumbling the word 'ouch' under her breath.

"Soo….Shall we get started then?" asked Pomona, "Why not have something to munch on while we talk, eh?" With that, and a wave of her wand, she conjured up a platter of Cauldron Cakes. Thirteen Cauldron Cakes.

"Oh! Don't mind if I do!" said a suddenly cheerful Sybil, she loved Cauldron Cakes.

No sooner had she taken a bite from it, she noticed how many cakes were on the plate. _Twelve, a good number. But….wait a second… if there's twelve cakes on the plate then this one makes…_

"IEEEE!" She screamed, throwing the Cauldron Cake across the room and gagging. She stood up and jumped up and down still yelling. Soon she started running around the table. "THIRTEEN IS AN EVIL NUMBER! EVIL EVIL EVIL! IEEEE!"

Minerva threw a bucket of water at the now hyperventilating professor.

Sybil turned toward the others, dripping. "Did I go over the top again?"

Everyone present nodded slowly. Sybil walked to her seat, each step made a strange squishing sound. She wiped the droplets of the water from her glasses, then proceeded to try and wring out her cloths.

Rolanda leaned over to Minerva, "I swear she's schizophrenic!" she whispered.

"I know that, and you know that, but does _she_ know that?"

"My guess is no."

Severus glanced at the now gossiping professors across the table and rolled his eyes. "Women…" he whispered under his breath.

Pomona shot him a glare before looking back at Sybil, who was still trying to dry herself.

"Well, I suppose we should get something to drink then." Offered Rolanda.

"Sounds good to me." Said Sybil, only half listening.

Rolanda conjured up a cup or tea for everyone at the table, then lifted her's to her lips to hide a snicker. Severus only looked at his. Pomona ignored her's. Minerva sipped her's quietly. Sybil lifted her's up and took a great swig from it, draining it completely. Out of habit, she glanced down into the empty cup at what formation the tea leaves may be in at the bottom. Usually, it was nothing serious, sometimes omens of good fortune.

_What the…? This can't be right!_ She adjusted her glasses and stared into the cup for a few seconds. A few minutes. Finally, wide eyed, she looked up and placed the cup on the table and sat still without any movement whatsoever.

"Any second now.." Whispered Rolanda.

Suddenly, Sybil jumped out of her chair and screamed. "THE GRIM! I GOT THE GRIM! DEATH! MEHAM! MORE DEATH! IEEEEE!"

She closed her eyes and ran toward the door. And after running into the wall on the first go, Sybil succeeded in getting out of the door and running out into the corridor screaming about the end of the world.

Immediately, the other's jumped up and ran to the door to follow her. Rolanda grabbed a muggle video camera and ran out first. "This is gold! GOLD!"

Outside, Sybil was running around in circle, twitching, jumping, screaming nonsense, running into walls, and still dripping wet. Students poked their heads out of doorways, some adventurous enough to come out to see the situation better.

"If this isn't enough to get her into St. Mungo's, I don't know what is!" said Rolanda from behind the camera.

"I thought we agreed not the use the camera." Pointed out Minerva.

"Get it in writing next time."

Minerva tried to look sternly at her friend, but only managed to burst out in laughter at Sybil, who was had now collapsed on the floor, twitching violently.

Severus walked over to her and poked her with his wand. She stood up, looked at him briefly, then walked to the nearest corner, where she sat down in a fetal position, rocked back and forth, and chanted the word 'grim' over and over.

"This is _defiantly_ going to land her in St. Mungo's…" said Severus.

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Stated Minerva.

"Shut up, you two! I'm TRYING to capture the moment on film!" said Rolanda curtly.

"Uhh…Ro'?"

"I said SHUT UP!"

"But, Ro'!"

"Shhhh!"

Minerva shrugged and walked behind the flying instructor, who was on her way to making quite a good Steven Spielberg impression.

After nearly fifteen minutes, Sybil stood up, cleared her throat, and scampered down the hallway to her classroom yelling, "YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Rolanda stopped filming and smiled smugly. "I send this tape to the guys at St. Mungo's, and she'll be gone before the end of the week! Now, what were you so keen to say a few minutes ago, Min?"

Minerva put an arm around her friend. "This is going to be difficult for you to except, Ro', but…" Minerva took the camera from her and pointed to the front, "you left the cap on in front of the lenses."

Oh, the woes of a Hogwarts professor. Do you suppose wizards can get the 'padded room and straight jacket' treatment?

**((Author's Note: Was this one any good? Please review! Which professor should I do for the next chapter?))**


	4. Swedish Giant Carnivorous Eggplants

((Before we begin this chapter, I would firstly like to thank all of the peoples who have been reviewing my story, motivating me to continue it. Secondly, I would like to warn you about this chapter in particular. This chapter is going to be possibly the most insane one I've done yet. The plot is loosely based on a few well known movies (I won't tell you which ones).

After I finish this particular plot, my other chapters _should_ be considerably less weird…. Unless I think of another crazily insane plotline :evil grin:

And sorry it took so long to get this one finished, but school's about to start here. I've been busy busy busy….))

**Chapter Four: Swedish Giant Carnivorous Eggplants (Part-1) **

Professor Pomona Sprout was taking inventory of all the plants in the greenhouse. She walked up and down rows of potentially dangerous plant life, checking off names and numbers on a piece of parchment at she did so.

_I don't understand just why Dumbledore makes me to these inventory checks. Who in this school is suicidal enough to try and steal one of these things…besides Severus..?_

After narrowly missing being bitten by a particularly nasty tempered shrub, Pomona came to an empty spot in the aisles of plants. Actually, it was more like a few empty spots. In front of the empty spots was a label,

"Swedish Giant Carnivorous Eggplants. Danger level XXXXX (As in, we suggest you not attempt to keep these at all!)"

The eggplants had been a Christmas present from Hagrid a few years back.

_Why does everything Hagrid get cause problems?_

Pomona was suddenly hit by the harsh reality of the situation. _Giant…eggplants…that…are…carnivorous…As in… they eat people!_

Pomona dropped the checklist and went as fast as she could to Dumbledore's office. This could get really serious, she had no idea how long it had been since they escaped, but she had a hunch where they could be. Most of the school was currently at the Quidditch pitch watching a game, but Dumbledore had stayed behind in his office to finish some paperwork.

Pomona practically shouted the password to the gargoyle guarding the spiral staircase, and ran up to the door. Panting, she banged on the door with her fist.

"Albus! We have a situation here!" she almost yelled.

Albus opened the door swiftly and looked at Pomona for a second.

"Come in and explain it, then." He said calmly.

_How the hell can this clown be calm, ALL THE TIME!_

Pomona rushed in and sat down in the chair in front of the headmaster's desk, while Dumbledore resumed his own seat.

"Do you remember the freakish eggplants Hagrid gave me at Christmastime?"

"Yes"

"Well, they've escaped, and I don't know how to get them back."

"Explain to me what exactly these things are capable of."

Pomona had read up on the Swedish Giant Carnivorous Eggplant species the afternoon Hagrid had handed the thing to her. "In nature, they burrow under the ground and dig tunnels and such. While underground, they can sense movement above them and can pop out of the ground to capture their prey. Though they prefer being underground, they can also fair well above land too, using a few choice roots for legs. These things are some of the most dangerous plants around."

"This is quite a predicament….How you figure Hagrid got his hands on these?"

"I'm not sure I want to find out."

"How many are there?"

"Four. And I'll bet they're over at the Quidditch field, what with all the commotion there."

"We should get down there immediately and get the staff together. This calls for serious action."

_Well I could've told you that!_

The two staff members went down to the Quidditch pitch as fast they could without running. Professors aren't supposed to run. It looks undignified. Their best friend could be _dying_ and they wouldn't run.

Upon reaching the Quidditch pitch, Albus and Pomona went to the stands where the other staff members sat.

Minerva looked up from the game. "Albus..? I thought you had lots of work to do."

"It seems that a most unusual situation has come to my attention." He said quickly, "Professor McGonagall, Professor Snape, Professor Flitwick, please come with Professor Sprout and I downstairs so we can discuss this without distractions."

Wordlessly, the professors stood up and followed the headmaster down from the stands. The only sheltered places down there were the locker-rooms, so they turned the Hufflepuff locker-room into an impromptu staff room.

Albus left the staff members in the locker-room and walked out into the field. Waving over Madam Hooch from her refereeing duties, he forced her to attend the meeting also.

"What the hell is going on that is so important as to pull me out of a Quidditch game?" fumed an angry Rolanda Hooch as she sat down on one of the benches.

"I'm afraid the game will have to be cancelled." Said Albus.

"Do WHAT?" yelled Rolanda, standing up again.

"Let me explain out current situation before you get excited." Stated Albus, pointing Rolanda back to her seat. "It seems that a few highly dangerous plants have escaped from the greenhouse."

"You're gonna cancel a game because someone nicked a flower from the greenhouse!"

"Firstly, no one stole it. It escaped on it's own power. And secondly what we're dealing with is no flower. Four Swedish Giant Carnivorous Eggplants are loose on the grounds."

"EGGPLANTS? WHAT THE HECK IS DANGEROUS ABOUT AN EGGPLANT!"

"Rolanda will you shut up!" said Minerva, who was two second away from placing the flying instructor under a full body bind.

"These things are extremely dangerous plants, it is documented that they can attack and kill a human. The game will have to be called off, but the students would be safest waiting in the stands while we try and get rid of these things." Said Albus firmly.

"Well what are you suggesting we do to get rid of them?" Severus interjected

"There isn't much known about this kind of plant." Pomona informed the staff, "It is known, however, that they are immune to almost all practical jinxes and hexes, which is one reason they're so dangerous."

"Wonderful. We can't use magic against them. So what's left, muggle artillery? You must be kidding!"

Filius Flitwick decided to join the conversation here, "Every animal or plant has a weakness. There's got to be a practical way to get rid of them!" he said as he conjured himself a sandwich and a bottle of orange soda.

"Filius, how can you possibly eat at a time like this." Asked a dumbfounded Minerva.

"What? I'm hungry!"

Suddenly the staff could feel a slight tremor underneath their feet. Then it became more pronounced. Soon the all the people present were searching the floor, confused.

Pomona looked around fearful, "Nobody…move…Stay… quiet…" she whispered.

"What?" asked Filius in a very loud voice, "Speak up! I can't hear you!"

The entire company made hand gestures trying to get the short professor to shut up. Rolanda made a few wildly extravagant movements which ended with a gesture that looked like her wringing someone's neck.

Filius took a sip of his orange soda, "You guys are kooky."

The floor gave a few very violent shudders. "What the-" Filius turned around and stared at the floor. Suddenly a giant purple eggplant as big as a hippo with two rows of teeth and red eyes burst out of the floorboards. Its aim was a bit off, so instead of eating the short charms professors, it swallowed the nearby broom closet whole.

Filius gave out a high pitched scream, threw his sandwich and drink into the air, and ran to hide behind Minerva.

The eggplant looked as if it was about to try and eat the entire company, but then was hit by Filius' orange soda. As the carbonated drink splashed over its purple skin, the monster let out a roar of pain.

Had it been human it would have said, "Ahh! Help me! The orange soda is melting me! Ahhh! Help!" but since it was an eggplant monster all it could say was "GWAP!"

"I think I've got an idea." Said Severus suddenly. He aimed his wand at the eggplant and made a spout of orange soda flow out. It covered the monster as it let out another roar of rage and pain. It melted down back into the hole Wizard of Oz style.

"That was weird." Said Minerva slowly, "How many of these did you say there are?"

Pomona looked down into the hole. At the bottom the only proof the eggplant had been there was a puddle of purple goo. "If we trust that this one's dead, three more."

Minerva looked at her dumfounded, "Where did you get four of these things?"

"Hagrid."

"And I suppose you have no clue where he got it?"

"Nope."

All while this conversation was going on, Rolanda was stared transfixed at where the broom closet used to be.

"It ate the broom closet…The WHIOLE broom closet!" she said slowly.

The rest of the company looked at her for a second, they knew all two well how attached to the many broomsticks Rolanda was. They had a feeling this would be a relapse of February 12, 1983 when a few troublesome Hufflepuffs set fire to half the locker-rooms.

"It's okay, Ro'. We can get some new brooms." Said Albus.

"New brooms..?" said Rolanda in an unusually high voice, "I don't want new brooms," suddenly she turned around to face the others with an insane gleam in her eyes, "I WANT REVENGE!"

Severus moved a few feet away from her. "Okay, she's cracked. Can we use her as bait for those things?"

Minerva gave him a dirty look. "No!"

Pomona looked out the door of the locker-room down the path to the castle. "Uh guys..? I think we have a problem…"

"I think we've already realized that, imbecile." Said Severus.

"No, I mean a bigger one. Look here, " she pointed to some spots in the grass leaded to the door of the castle. "those would be tunnels left by those plants. They must've gone inside the castle."

"Great. Just great."

"At least now we know they have a weakness for orange soda."

Pomona conjured up a few contraptions. They looked about like muggle vacuum cleaners only they that straps so one could carry it on their back. Also unlike a vacuum cleaner, they shot orange soda instead of sucking up dirt.

"And what do you expect me to do with this?" asked Severus picking up of the contraptions.

"Unless you'd rather get eaten, I'd suggest you wear it." Said Pomona.

All the professors put one of the strange objects on their backs before turning to Pomona again.

"All we have to do it spray 'em and that should kill 'em."

"And how do you suggest we find them?" asked Minerva.

"Once we go in they should be attracted to us. We're a food source for them."

"Let's get this over with then…"

The professors walked up the path and opened the castle door in a paranoid fashion. The inside of the school was very dark.

"Do we have to turn all the lights off whenever we leave?" asked Minerva. She clapped her hands and the all the lights in that part of the castle flickered on. "I'm so glad I talked Filch into installing the clapper."

They walked on through the castle, still in a paranoid fashion. Soon, they decided to walk in a straight line, Albus in the lead, followed by Minerva, then Severus, Rolanda, Pomona, and finally Filius in the rear.

Suddenly, they heard a loud banging behind them. They turned around to see what it was. The sound was coming from further down the hallway.

"Ok, don't run. Stand together. Fire when I say to,…" said Albus softly.

The company stood in a line facing the darkened hallway. They aimed their orange soda blasters at the noise.

After a few tense seconds, a giant eggplant monster shuffled out from around the corner. This one was much, much bigger then the last one, the top of it's head almost touched the ceiling of the room and it had not two, but three rows of teeth.

"Okay, new plan!" said Albus, "RUN!"

The company turned around and ran through the corridor, the eggplant hot of their heels. Soon, they turned into a large room and slammed the door shut. The eggplant started beating on the door and the entire company had to lean on it to hold it shut.

"We can't keep this up for long!" yelled Severus over the noise. "We've got to do something!"

"Get away from the door." Said Rolanda.

"Are you crazy!" yelled Minerva.

"I said, get away from the door! Then go out the other door over there!" she pointed to the door at the opposite end of the room.

"There's no way we'll make it!"

"Yes there is! Now do it before I'm forced to jinx you all!"

"Fine…On the count of three….1…..2…..3!"

At once the company let go of the door and made to sprint across the room.

Once they reached the middle, Rolanda stopped and faced the door where the eggplant was about to come in.

"What are you doing!" yelled Pomona, who was nearly at the other door.

"You guys go on, and make sure you keep that door closed!" said Rolanda calmly.

"But-"

"You heard her! Leave her!" said Severus, who was about to close the door on the other two. Pomona ran out the door and they slammed it shut and leaned against it.

"This is it." Said Rolanda, "It ends here." She took off her orange soda blaster and started shaking it violently as the eggplant broke through the door. "This is for all the brooms back in the closet. The Cleansweep 260. The Silver Arrow. The two Shooting Stars. And you two, Cleansweep 11!"

The giant eggplant starting walked towards the flying instructor as she stopped shaking the orange soda blaster at last. She threw the contraption at it and yelled, "TAKE THAT YOU UGLY, SON OF A-" before she could get out the last word,. The blaster exploded, covering all around it with orange soda.

The company outside the room heard the creatures roars of anger as it melted down to the floor. Orange soda pooled beneath their feet as it flowed from underneath the door.

Minerva looked around. "Now what?"

**END OF PART ONE.**

**((Author's Note—SooOoooO….. enjoying this plot? This was the product of being loaded up on Pop Rocks and cola. Please excuse the weirdness.))**


	5. Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!

**(( Again, I'm quite sorry it took so long. Like I said during the last chapter, school's about to start up. Tons of junk to do before then. I'm tellin' ya, 8th grade had better be worth all this! **

**Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter! And let it be known, I have no more ideas for future chapters (any help with brainstorming would be appreciated) and I don't know how much time I'll have to write any future chapters either. Fear not, for no matter how busy I may be, I will always find time, somehow, to continue this series! So, ENJOY!))**

**Chapter 5: Swedish Giant Carnivorous Eggplants—Part 2—AKA, Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!**

It was quiet in the hallway for a minute or two. The roars of anguish from the other side of the door stopped. The sound of orange soda gushing out from under the door halted. The only noise one could hear was the soft tapping of the carbonated drink dripping.

The company was still leaning on the door, even though it was almost certain that the monster within was destroyed. Gingerly, a couple of them removed their weight from the door.

Minerva looked around the vast corridor in which the professors now stood.

"Now what?"

Her voice echoed through the hall, bouncing off the walls and slowly fading away into the nothingness.

"Do you think she's…." Filius was looking at the door. He made to open the door to see, but Albus stopped him.

"If she is, I'm not sure it will be a pretty sight."

Severus was about to pass out with glee. Rolanda Hooch, dead? A huge grin that seemed far too big for his face appeared.

"What're you so happy about?" asked an irate Pomona.

Severus seemed to not hear her. He danced a little jig around the others before yelling out of a chorus of "DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD! LA LA LA! THE WITCH IS DEAD! DING, DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!"

If looks could kill, the potions master would have been dead before he hit the floor. Minerva glared at him for a split second, then whipped out her wand and pointed it at Severus. Instantly, his hair became a ball of fire.

Severus screamed in an extremely high pitched voice before running around in circles screaming, "MY HAIR'S ON FIRE! MY HAIR'S ON FIRE! MY HAIR'S ON FIRE!"

A blast of orange soda from a position he couldn't see finally put out the blaze on his head. A very scorched Severus collapsed on the ground twitching.

"What the-?" Minerva stuttered, "Who put it out! No fair! I was just getting to enjoy it!"

The company looked at each other, then shrugged. None of them had done it.

Minerva looked around confused for a second, then she heard a familiar voice, "Yo Min! You are aware that there are better curses to use on him, right?"

Even before she had turned around, she heard Severus wail from his place on the floor, "Oh crap! SHE'S ALIVE!"

As Minerva turned around to see who had spoken, she briefly saw Pomona's jaw drop, Filius drop his blaster on Albus' foot, and Albus hop around in a most un-headmasterly like way shouting obstinacies while holding his foot.

Standing in the doorway to the room the company had exited earlier stood a sopping wet, but overall happy looking Rolanda Hooch. Orange soda dripped off her robes as she stepped foreword, her shoes making a wet squeaky sound. Flecks of purple goo, which Minerva could only guess was the remains of the eggplant, were scattered over her robes face and hair.

Rolanda laughed and slapped Minerva on the back, inadvertently splashing her with orange soda.

"How…are…you…alive?" asked Minerva, bug eyed.

Rolanda's smile faltered. "What is it with you people? I just got out of that stupid room after single-handedly defeating a giant, man eating eggplant, got away unscathed, and now you want me to tell you what happened?"

Minerva blinked.

Rolanda threw her hands up in defeat. "Fine then! Just give me a second to clean off this stupid soda…" With a flick of her wand, the soda was gone and her robes were dry and clean. "Now…" she conjured up a mug of coffee and took a healthy swig before turned back to her dumbfounded friends

"Once you guys left me in the room it was me and that beast. All alone. With the beast. Man, he was an ugly brute too. Tall enough to bump his head on the ceiling, he was!"

Pomona rolled her eyes at Rolanda. Only all to familiar was the staff with Rolanda's lively play-by-play commentaries, she did a special one after every Quidditch game in the staff room to whoever would listen.

"So I started thinking, " continued Rolanda, it was obvious she was enjoying this. "Well these guys don't like orange soda at all right? So I grabbed my blaster off my back, you see," she grabbed Severus' soda blaster off the floor, "and I started shaking it up real good." She started shaking the blaster as violently as she had back in the room, "until finally it felt like the thing was going to blow up, so I threw it at the beast!" she threw the blaster down the hallway, "And I dove under this table in the corner, " she ducked behind a nearby cabinet, "And then it blew up!" as soon as she said the words the blaster exploded. The company had to run for cover as a tidal wave of orange soda splashed down the hallway. "And THAT is how I defeated the monster!"

Rolanda stepped out from behind the cabinet with a smug smile.

"Thanks for sharing." Said Severus glumly. With a wave of his wand he made the orange soda which had just splashed by them vanish. With a second wave he summoned his blaster back to him, and with a third repaired it.

"Can we move on now?" asked Filius impatiently.

"Where exactly are we going?" asked Severus .

The company looked to Albus, who always seemed to have the answers to everything. "Well, seeing as the eggplants are sensitive to orange soda we 'ought to make our way up to the seventh floor and the "Purge the Castle with Orange Soda Button".

The company stared at the headmaster.

"A… 'Purge the Castle with Orange Soda Button'" repeated Severus

"WHO THE BLOODY HELL PUT A PURGE THE CASTLE WITH ORANGE SODA BUTTON IN THE SCHOOL?" yelled Rolanda, unable to contain herself.

"I dunno…" said Albus, "I've only seen it once. Lime green in color. Shaped like lemon."

The company blinked.

"Well, we ought to get going, eh? Those eggplants aren't getting any smaller!"

Albus started walking ahead. The company didn't move. "Well!" he said over his shoulder, "Are you guys coming!"

Pomona pointed to a giant number over the nearest doorway, "We're already on the seventh floor."

"Oh. I knew that! Was just testing you!"

"Uh huh. You just keep telling yourself that. Now, what room is this button supposed to be in?"

Albus looked around at the many doors which covered all the wall space in the hallway. "No clue."

"Great! Just Wonderful! Peachy even!" said Rolanda, kicking the wall, "We're stuck in this cruddy castle with killer eggplants and a headmaster who probably thinks 1+1 Fish!" She started banging her head on a random door, "WHY ME? WHY! WHY! WHY!"

Suddenly, the door swung open. The room within was very large, even by Hogwarts standards. It was quite dark, shadows covered most of the room's floor space. It seemed almost gloomy within, and empty. On the far side of the room was a small podium, though if you combined the sheer size of the room with the darkness of it, it was impossible to see what was on the podium from the door.

"What the-?" said Minerva, peering past Rolanda into the room.

"This room looks familiar…." Mused Albus, stepping past the others into the room, "If I didn't know any better I'd say this was that button we discussed earlier is in here." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, glancing around.

"I've never been in this room before." Said Severus, following Albus into the room, "And I thought I'd seen all the rooms…."

"No one has been in all the rooms in this school, dear boy." Said Albus, "I don't even suppose the founders had explored it completely."

Filius put a hand on the wall. "Hey! What!" he took his hand off and looked at it. "Did you know the walls here are covered in orange soda?"

Pomona prodded at a wall with her wand. "If that button is anywhere, it ought to be here!"

The company walked across the room slowly. Suddenly a strange noise could be heard from beyond the door. Hesitantly, the company held their blasters at the ready.

After a few minutes, the strange noises could be identified as growls. After a few more minutes the growling became louder. Then louder. Finally, a huge shadow crossed the door. Then the huge, ugly head of a Swedish Giant Carnivorous Eggplant swooped under the doorframe, its teeth a nasty shade of green and its eyes a blazing red.

It stepped inside the door way, having to duck its head to fit. Using one of its huge tentacle-like roots, it slammed the door shut behind it with an ominous bang. It stared into the room with it's giant eyes, sizing up the opposition.

Minerva took a step towards the beast, "S-Stay back! O-or I s-shoot!" she held the blaster up higher.

The monster eggplant roared loudly in the Gryffindor Head of House's face.

"Well! SHOOT IT!" yelled Pomona from behind her.

Minerva aimed for the eggplants eyes and shot the blaster at it. The beast didn't move. "WHAT?" She shot again. If eggplants could laugh, this one would've had a heart attack doing so. If we trust it had a heart, anyway.

"Why doesn't it work?" Yelled Minerva.

She stepped back to the company, who stepped back even further. As they stepped back away from the monster, the floor under then began to shake violently.

"What the crap!" yelled Rolanda, staring at the floor.

Suddenly, another huge, evil eggplant burst out from the floorboards. The company was trapped, big ugly eggplant monsters on both sides.

"Now what, genius!" said Rolanda, elbowing Albus.

For the first time since taking his position at Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Albus Dumbledore didn't have answer.

Suddenly, one of the eggplants lashed out a giant root and lifted Filius into the air. The pipsqueak professor was swung crazily around the room.

"Oh no, you don't!" said Pomona. She ran up and kicked the eggplant where a human crotch would be. Trouble was, eggplants don't have any weakness there. More trouble, their skin is like armor plating.

Instead of the eggplant shrinking back in pain, Pomona ending up hopping around in circles holding her foot. Go figure.

Minerva looked around for a second. There had to be a way out of this mess. She sure as heck wasn't going to go down being eaten by an eggplant. Of all the stupid ways to die, that had to make the top of the list.

Suddenly she saw the answer. The dang 'PURGE THE CASTLE WITH ORANGE SODA' button, of course. Why hadn't she though of that before? Shrugging it off, she slowly made her way closer to the button. Soon, however, the eggplants turned on her! Running to push the button, she shouldered past Albus, knocked over Rolanda, and _accidentally_ punched Severus in the face.

Just as she was within pushing distance, one of the eggplants grabbed her by the end of her robes. "Noooo! Must…Push…Button!" She reached out as far as she could possibly reach for the button. Just as she was about to push it, Filius yelled out from his spot within the roots of the eggplant.

"WAAAIIIITT!"

The entire company, plus the eggplants stared at him.

"You've gotta say something cool first! Like, 'Say Soda!' or, 'Fizz You!' or how about this one, 'Orange-'"

**KA-BOOM!**

Oh, the woes of a Hogwarts professor. Do you suppose there is a man-eating counterpart to every household vegetable in the wizarding world?

**Author's Note: Again, please excuse the weirdness. Half the chapter was written while listening to the song _Banana Phone_. Have mercy on my soul…. **

**Wait… I have a soul :pokes it: Yay!**


	6. PIEGIRL!

**(( Ack! Yes, yes, I know, I know. I haven't updated in forever! I've been busy… school is really draining this year. Have mercy on my soul. But I'm back! Ain't you all happy?**

**And yes, I KNOW I probably should've written this chapter about Flitwick or Dumbledore, but I couldn't get any ideas for a plot… Might you have some? Come on, I'm practically BEGGING here!))**

**Chapter 6: PIEGIRL!**

Rolanda Hooch had never been known for her long attention span. Especially in staff meetings.

Usually whenever she went into the Room of Requirement it was filled with colorful, interesting things, most of them Quidditch related. But not for staff meetings. During them, Albus didn't even bother to give the room any character. It was just a boring, dead, dusty place.

Rolanda tapped her fingers on the desk. She kicked her feet around. She put her head down on the desk. Boring. Finally, Minerva McGonagall nudged her and leaned over to her.

"Ro', will you cut it out!" she whispered sharply, "Unlike you, SOME people are trying to listen!"

Rolanda merely rolled her eyes at her college and turned away. She sensed the meeting nearing its halfway point and turned to Albus, who had yet to stop yapping for about half an hour.

"And so in light of our recent eggplant extermination, you're going to be allowed ten minutes break today to grab some food before we come back to the meeting! The house elves have provided some pie over in the next room for our consumption. Enjoy!"

_Ooo! Ten WHOLE minutes? Well, GEEZ! I only killed a bazillion foot tall monster. A ten minutes break is just the PERFECT reward!_

Little did Rolanda know how popular the pies would be among the staff, as the entire staff was halfway to the pie room as Albus finished the last word in his sentence. This left her alone in the room with the Transfigurations teacher, who was in the midst of delivering a lecture.

"Ro, I just don't understand you. These meetings are important! You could at least TRY to pay attention!"

Rolanda got up and moved toward the pie room, hoping to shake Minerva and her lectures.

"And another thing…"

The animagus continued on condemning the referee until they reached the pie room. All of the other staff had already gone through and gotten their shares of pie, and despite this there was still plenty of the desert left.

_Thank god for these self-restoring plates. How to them Muggles ever survive without them?_

Rolanda swooped in on the pies.

"Hmm…..Which should I try first… Apple, Blueberry, Pumpkin… Oh dear, those house elves have really outdone themselves today!" she exclaimed as she examined the many pies.

"How can you even think of eating, with all the pressing issues Albus brought up in the meeting?" Minerva said sternly.

"The same way everyone else can." Said Rolanda, gesturing to the others munching down their food.

Minerva looked disapprovingly at her friend. "I don't remember asking them. I'm asking you. I mean, just think about what would happen if they shut down that cauldron making company!"

Rolanda picked up a nice looking pumpkin pie. "Oh no! NOT THE CAULDRON MAKING COMPANY! What a horrible world!" she pretended to faint, still holding the pie.

Minerva started going off again on another lecture, and Rolanda was in no mood for it.

"Minerva, will you just shut up!"

The other professor continued.

"Min… I MEAN IT!"

She kept going.

"MINERVA MCGONAGOLL!"

She still kept talking.

Rolanda gritting her teeth and unable to take it anymore, promptly took the pumpkin pie and threw it at Minerva, which in turn knocked the professor off her feet and onto the ground. KO'd!

Rolanda's eyes suddenly went wide.

"Ah, crud…"

She looked around frightened. No one else had seen. She silently made to slip out of the pie room and into the hallway. She ran down the corridor and made a few lefts and rights and down a few staircases, heading down to the Quidditch pitch where she could hide out till the heat blew over.

Before she made it down the corridor she heard Severus exclaim,

"WHAT THE CRAP! Someone PIED McGonagall!"

Rolanda ended up staying at the field for the rest of the night, sleeping in her office, in which she had a ready made collapsible bed. This wasn't the first time Rolanda had gotten herself into this much trouble and had to steak out in her office.

She got up early and snuck into the castle. It was a little more then fifteen minutes until breakfast. Rolanda tried to walk through the castle casually.

Was it just her, or was it emptier then usual? She turned a corner and almost ran straight into a small Ravenclaw student, who was carrying a huge stack of papers. Newspapers.

Rolanda gave the student an odd look, and then walked by without much thought. Behind her, the student cleared his throat and held up one of the papers.

"EXTRA, EXTRA! Read all about it! McGonagall Gets Pied At Staff Meeting! Culprit At Large! School Trembles in Fear! Giant Lobsters Attack Hagrid!"

At once, the corridor came to life. Students swamped the newspaper boy to get a copy of the paper, nothing this interesting had happened in months. Rolanda had meanwhile pressed herself against the wall, trying not to be knocked over by stampeding kids, and not making eye contact with anyone, paranoid as she was about being caught.

_Oh, crud…What've I done! Now it's school wide news! If I get caught I can kiss my job goodbye!_

Rolanda was in the midst of despairing mentally, when she overheard a conversation between a couple students as they passed by.

"…You know, this is really cool! I mean, it's about time someone showed McGonagall what for! I totally hope whoever it was does it again!"

Rolanda watched the students file out of the corridor with their newspapers. Once she was alone, she picked a discarded copy from the floor.

Just then the Hooch got an idea. The Hooch got a wonderful, awful, idea.

**LATER THAT DAY… **

_Stupid double potions classes…_

Severus Snape was busily scrawling out directions to a complicated potion on the blackboard.

_When these kids give me a heart attack THEN that old coot will be sorry. When I slap him in the face with a lawsuit that is! MUAHAHAHA!_

He turned around and was about to address the class when the door bust open with a loud crash.

"BOOM BABY!" shouted a figure in the doorway.

The figure stepped foreword into the classroom. Students looked at it almost frightened. The character was clad in superhero tights, orange and blue with a large pie emblem across the chest. The figure also wore a mask, making recognition impossible.

"WHAT THE CRAP!" yelled Severus, taking in the spectacle before him.

The figure walked towards him with a dramatic pace. "I heard that YOU are giving too much homework, Mr. Snape! I heard that you've been harassing the Gryffindors! I heard, that it's about time for REVENGE!"

The character clapped her hands together. "CRACKATOA!"

In a blinding flash of light a rather large pie appeared in her hands.

"HASTA LA VESTA, BABY!"

In a swift gesture the figure threw the pie right at a very stunned Severus with a pitch worthy of professional baseball. The pie splatted right into his face, knocking him backwards over his desk onto the floor. KO'd!

The figure turned back to the class just as loud cheers filled the room and bowed appropriately at the right moments. Once the applause had died down enough one student stood up and addressed the character.

"Excuse me but, who are you?"

The figure turned to face him. "I am known by many things, but here I shall be known as PIEGIRL!"

Piegirl made a dramatic stance.

"PIEGIRL, AWAY!" She ran out of the room with these words of wisdom and disappeared through the door, amongst more cheering from the room of students.

Over the next few weeks Piegirl made many appearances. The Hogwarts newspaper captured the scene well.

"EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! Masked Hero Throws Pie In Herbology! Eggplants Eat Dumbledore's Socks! Piegirl Creams Flitwick! Piegirl Runs Amuck! Piegirl Hailed As School Hero! Students Rejoice! McGonagall's On The Warpath, Claims Piegirl is A Deatheater! Dumbledore Proves That One Plus One is Fish!"

Rolanda Hooch flipped through a newspaper as she walked down the hall, smiling smugly.

"I am a genius!" she mused aloud quietly. "This Piegirl thing is really working in my favor! I've finally found a way to hit Sev and not get fired!"

She walked by a rather loudmouthed student and overheard a snippet of a conversation.

"Man, I hope Piegirl comes to the Christmas dinner tonight! It'd be awesome if she pied Dumbledore!"

Rolanda stopped in her tracks.

_Of course! Dumbledore! The only one I haven't got yet! Oh, yes yes yes! Tonight is perfect!_

"I assure you… Piegirl will be coming to dinner…" She whispered softly to herself.

Rolanda turned a corner and spotted Minerva McGonagall and Pomona Sprout whispering to each other softly in the deserted corridor. Interested, Rolanda ducked back around the corner and listened attentively.

"…She'll never see it coming! Professor of the year award, she'll practically FAINT!" said Minerva.

"You bet! I can't believe we've been able to keep it secret so long, what with her nosiness and all." Grinned Pomona.

"Yep, Ro' is going to be a happy witch tonight!"

Rolanda's eyes went wide. She was going to get the Professor of The Year Award!

"Wowsers…" she whispered.

Every year a professor is chosen for the award and it was always given out at Christmas dinner.

_But…Ah, no fair! This is the most PERFECT time to get ol' Dumbledore!... But that award… Hmmm…._

She leaned back against the wall.

_There's gotta be a way to do both…_

**LATER THAT EVENING… **

Most of the students had assembled in the Great Hall. Dinner was about to begin. Rolanda sat in her seat, tapping her fingers on the table impatiently.

_Come on… Come on… Start the feast already… _

The award was always given out at the very end of the feast, which meant Rolanda would be able to pie Dumbledore right after the feast started, and then be herself again at the end to accept the award, that gave the old coot plenty of time to clean up before the presentation, but just enough time for the school paper to get the perfect story.

Her plan was flawless.

Finally, Albus stood up to address the school, with his same old boring speech, of which only Minerva seemed to enjoy.

Once the school finally was able to go for the food, Rolanda stood up and made to leave.

"Where are ya goin' Ro', feast's jus' started!" said Pomona, stuffing her face as she spoke.

"Err….Bathroom…" said Rolanda.

Pomona shrugged and returned to her food.

Rolanda snuck down the corridor to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, the only place she could as assured that no one would find her, aside from Myrtle anyway, but she didn't count.

Rolanda ran in and locked herself in, as she quickly started to pull on the Piegirl costume.

Myrtle wasn't in the room, which Rolanda thought odd, but then cast it aside. That was one less bothersome idiot she'd have to deal with, so she wasn't complaining. After a few minutes the costume was completely. Rolanda pulled on her mask as she made for the door.

"Showtime!"

Inside the Great Hall, the festivities continued. Some students mused their hopes that Piegirl would appear to cause some mayhem, while others, mostly professors, prayed that the masked menace stay away.

At a calculated moment, Piegirl burst through the double door entrance of the Great Hall. Instantly, silence filled the hall.

"AHOY, HOGWARTS!" she pointed to the ceiling and the end of a rope fell down to her. Jumping up on it, she swung over the tables Tarzan style. She reached the staff table and jumped down in front of it.

"CRACKATOA!" she yelled, clapping her hands together as a blinding light concealed the arrival of a huge blueberry pie.

"I've saved the biggest pie for YOU, Dumbledore!" she yelled.

With a huge warwhoop, she slammed the pie into the headmaster's face. The splattered everywhere. Blueberry filling covered every square inch of space from Albus to Severus.

"PIEGIRL, AWAY!" yelled the hero, as she turned around.

But twas here where our poor Rolanda made a slight miscalculation.

As she made this swift turn, Piegirl slipped on the pie which she herself had painted the floor with. Shrieking, she hit the floor with a loud thump.

Piegirl sat up groaning, that floor wasn't exactly soft. She glanced around. Everyone in the Great Hall was staring at her with wide eyes. Confused, she stood up and shifted ran a hand through her short grey hair.

_Waitt a second……HOLY HAMSTERS! WHERE'S MY MASK!_

Piegirl had been unmasked.

"WHAT THE CRAP!" yelled Severus.

The school paper, once again, told the story real well.

"EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT! Hooch Discovered To Be Piegirl! McGonagall Attempts to Strangle Hooch! Hooch Forced to Camp Out on The Chandelier For the Rest of The Night! Hooch Forced to Bake Three-Hundred Pies By Angry House Elf Corporation! Hooch Burns Kitchen Down! I Like Pudding!"

**Oh the woes of a Hogwarts professor… Do you wonder why all Snape said in this chapter was, "What The Crap?"...**


	7. Drinking Buddies

**(( Note: Yes. Yes it has been a very long time since my last chapter. It's been, well, it's been years. I thank everyone who has left their wonderful comments and words of encouragement; you're the reason I'm picking back up my pen today. Hopefully, in my years of absence from writing this series, I've managed to acquire some more prose in my writing. This latest addition will hopefully be the best yet!...Even though I'm still quite fond of Chapter 2… And, I know the title says it's about the professors, but I often find myself focusing on Hooch. I can't help it. The more I write her character, the more addictive she becomes. I'll write one focusing on another professor. I promise… Eventually….))**

**Chapter 7: Drinking Buddies**

Madam Rolanda Xiomara Hooch was pissed, frustrated, and above all, tired.

She trampled through the mainstreet of Hogsmede, seemingly unaware of the rain pouring down. It was late evening in the small village. Add together the untimely hour and the weather and one would find the area nearly deserted.

Rolanda threw open the door to the Three Broomsticks and went straight to the bar.

"Firewhiskey. Now." She demanded, her voice hard and even.

"Long day at work?" asked the barkeep

"Just shut up and give it to me." Said Rolanda, too tired to be kind.

"I wonder how many people you've said that to." Severus Snape's slick voice came from across the sparsely occupied room, his cool eyes glinting at Rolanda from above the rim of his own glass.

Rolanda took her order from the barkeep quickly. "Oh, shut up. I'm not in the mood for you at all." She turned back around.

"I know what's wrong with you." Severus continued. "You get like this every year, right at the beginning, when you have to take those first year's out flying for the first time. And we have to hear about it for the next week and half, all about how hard your position is, how easy we've got it, and how we should be thankful we're not you." He rolled his eyes. "Honestly. You're like a dragon with PMS."

"I don't get you." Rolanda took a swig from her drink, "I don't. On the outside you are a perfectly presentable looking man. If you overlook the fact that you're ugly. Why is it that your soul is just a big jackass with nothing better to do with bait me into arguments?"

"Well it's fun, on the one hand. Revenge is the other hand."

"Oh, revenge. Ok. Right. What did I ever do to you? We've been going back and forth like this for years now."

"Well you started it." The Slytherin took a sip from his glass.

"I did what?!" Rolanda finally relented and walked across the bar to stand on the opposite side of Severus' table. "How did I start-"

"The first day I started work here you talked Peeves into throwing me off the staircase, only to land in a giant pie."

"Oh yeah…" Rolanda chuckled, "I almost forgot about that." She took a drink, "Man, you must admit, that was good. Took some doing too. Peeves has a one track mind. He must be one of your dead relatives."

_"Shut up!" Rolanda would have strangled the trouble making ghost by now had she felt it would've been any use. "Just be quiet for two seconds and listen to me!"_

_The partly transparent little man looked at her._

_"And come down here" she called up at him._

_Peeves merely continued to look at her. _

_"Down HERE! HERE HERE! There is there, here is here. Come HERE!"_

_The ghost rolled his eyes and finally floated down to join the flying instructor in the empty corridor. _

_"Now here's the plan-" Rolanda began._

_"We hit him!" Peeves exclaimed._

_"No! You wait until he gets about halfway up that staircase right there-"_

_"And then we hit him!"_

_"No! Then you pop up out of the floor of the stairs-"_

_"And then we hit him!"_

_"No! You scare him, then trip him-"_

_"And then we hit him!"_

_"Yes."_

_"Really?"_

_"No. Then you make sure he falls over the railing, and I'll take care of the rest."_

_"…So… When do we hit him?"_

_"WE DON'T!"_

_"Well, geez man, don't loose your head. I get it." Peeves floated up to take his position below the staircase._

_Rolanda took a deep breath. "Ok… Even in death, all men are idiots. Ok."_

_She saw a movement on one of the lower staircases. A swish of black robes. The sound of boots on the stone floor. Severus was nearly in position. _

_Rolanda paused for a moment. What exactly was the purpose of doing this? She thought about it. After a few seconds, she shrugged. Who needs purpose? This was just for fun!_

_With little time to spare, Rolanda reached into her pocket and pulled out a bouncy ball. She tossed it into the air, and with a flick of her wand transfigured it into a very large blueberry pie. Before it even touched the ground she placed another charm on it, making it hover a few inches above the floor. Scarcely making a sound, she placed it in the perfect position below the staircase where Peeves waited for the right moment._

_"BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" Peeves flew through the staircase._

_Severus let out an extremely high pitched squeal as he stepped backwards in surprise. Peeves raced around behind his legs, tripping him, forcing him to fall backwards over the railing._

_Severus continued to scream like a small girl all the way down, twisting and turning in the air like a dying parrot. _

_He slammed into the pie with an audible plop; bits of pie flew everywhere. _

_"Oh man! Oh my god!" Rolanda appeared from around a corner, giggling uncontrollably, "That was the funniest thing I've ever seen!"_

"And it still ranks among the funniest moments of my life." Rolanda grinned. She was now sitting across the table from Severus. He was stone faced as ever.

"It was not funny."

"Severus, you fell from a staircase and into a pie. Please explain to me how that isn't the definition of funny."

The man rolled his eyes. "It just wasn't okay. You have no idea how cruddy a day I'd had before that."

"Aww, poor Sevvy had a bad day? What happened? Your boyfriend break up with you?"

Severus glared at her.

"You're right." Rolanda continued, "You can't be queer. Only room for one screaming queen in this school. And we've already got ol' Dumbledore..."

Both of them laughed at that one. Then there was silence for a few minutes as they stared in different directions, each sipping from their respective drinks.

"Y'know," Rolanda began, "It would be really funny if two people as different as us ended up in a relationship."

"Yeah, it would." said Severus thoughtfully.

"Too bad I'm gay." Rolanda took a swig from her glass.

"Too bad I have better taste." Severus stood up from the table, "It's getting late. I'm heading back to the castle."

Without a formal farewell, the potions master had turned and dissappeared out the door.

A tabby cat suddenly walked out from under the table and looked up at Rolanda.

"Why, hello, Min'. Seems like this place is becoming a Grand Central Station equivalent for us educators."

The cat leapt up into the chair Severus formally occupied, in the process transforming back into the familiar form of Minerva McGonagall.

"Seems like you and Severus are starting to get along. You suprised me." The older woman began.

"Ah, I was just too tired to deal with his crap properly. By the way," the flying instructor got a mischievious look in her eye, "do you know what DID happen on his first day to make it so horrible?"

"You threw him him into a pie from three stories in the air."

"Besides that, besides that."

"Well," Minerva leaned back and thought it over, "I think it was something to do with some guy roomate of his who wouldn't speak to him anymore..."

Rolanda's eyes shot open wide. "NO. WAY." She flew up from her seat and ran out the door of the taven, her feet sliding in the mud as she sprinted her way up the main street.

"Wait! WAIT!" Minerva called after her, "It's not what you're thinking!" She too ran out of the room after her spastic friend as she booked it for the castle.

The barkeep watched their retreating backs through the window. "These people are kooky." he said aloud to no one in particular, "... And they're teaching our children..."

**((Note: Yes. I made her gay. Couldn't resist. But come on... She's got that queer vibe, doesn't she??))**


End file.
